Claire

December 10th, 2012 was the most momentous day of my life thus far.  As the day approached, I grew more and more anxious. It is a weird feeling when you know something so big and new is about to happen.

We got up at 4:30 or so in the morning. Of course I hadn’t slept much that night. I kept feeling my belly, trying to understand that there really was a baby in there and she was about to come out. I stayed up late watching a cheesey Christmas movie on Lifetime, trying to calm my nerves.  When it was time to get up it was dark and dreary outside. I had everything packed and ready so it was quick to get out the door. We drove the GTI to St. Francis Hospital in Federal Way. It was hard during the 20 minute drive not to be overwhelmed by what was happening. We would return home with a baby in this car! These were our final moments pre-parenthood. I turned the radio to my usual talk station to try to calm my mind.

As we walked into the hospital in the darkness, I was cheered by the giant Christmas tree illuminated near the hospital’s entrance. Every moment felt so full of meaning– “When I walk out these doors,” I thought, “I will have a BABY! These are my last steps before motherhood!”

We got checked in at the reception desk and made our way upstairs to the labor and delivery floor. The nurses wasted no time. Soon I was wearing a thin hospital gown, laying in a bed with an IV in my arm. This was all happening so quickly! My Mom, Chris, Kara and Sandy arrived around 7 AM. Everyone sat in our room watching me get pumped full of fluids. Outside the sky started turning from black to blue. I used the bathroom three or four times, nervously carrying the IV fluids with me. The nurses brought Eric a blue suit, booties and hat to wear into the ER. We all laughed when the shirt was way too small to fit over Eric’s shoulders. The doctors came in and said they were about ready to start. Already!? It was so hard to grasp what was about to happen to me. I wanted to remember every moment, and yet at the same time I wanted to run screaming down the hall.

I was adamant that music be played in the surgery/delivery room. I knew it would help me to calm down, and I liked the idea that our baby would be welcomed into the world by beautiful music and not just doctor’s instruments. Eric’s Iphone, preloaded with my favorite pieces from The Messiah, went with me as I headed down the hall and towards the delivery room. I hugged everyone good-bye. It felt like I was going on some kind of journey, like to the dark side of the moon or something. See you on the flip side!

The nurses led me to the doors of the surgical room. I kissed and hugged Eric. I would have to be alone while the nurses and doctors prepped me for the surgery. The doors opened and I was struck by bright lights, cold air, and a room brimming with blue-clad nurses and doctors, their faces hidden behind surgical masks. Everything was blinding white,  hospital blue or shiny silver.  My OBGYN, Dr. Snyder, held my shoulders steady while the anesthesiologist threaded the epidural into my spine. It was comforting to hear his voice as he chit chatted with me and the staff. At some point someone started my Messiah playlist. (I know it sounds cheesey to play such fancy music, but I wanted to hear something with words I could follow in my mind; and I wanted my baby to be welcomed by something timeless. The Messiah seemed to fit.) I clung to every note as my legs went numb and the paper screen came up around my shoulders.

At what seemed to be at the last minute they finally let Eric come into the room. He was dressed just like everyone else– anonymous in blue. I clung to his hand, so happy he was there with me in this moment. He was teary-eyed as he stroked my face. Eric said he was proud of me and I told him the best thing I ever did was marry him. I remember the doctor saying he was going to start, and Eric stood up to watch over the screen. I was so scared– I asked the anesthesiologist to hold my other hand. I clutched her hand with my right, Eric’s hand with my left and tracked the words of “Every Valley Shall be Exalted” as I felt the doctors jostling my belly. “I see a bottom!” one of the nurses called out. “And now a foot…and another foot!” I looked up at Eric’s face and his eyes were huge with something like fear and amazement. The doctor pushed hard on my upper belly. I felt the baby’s head pop out of her comfy spot below my ribs. “And here is her head!” the nurse cried out. Feelings of relief came over me as I heard a baby’s gurgle and cry. One of the blue-clad staff appeared at my left shoulder holding a gooey, purple screaming baby for me to see. Several thoughts raced through my mind: “Wadsworth mouth– she looks like Jordan– she has hair!” I only got to see her for a few seconds before she was taken to be checked over by the doctors. I was comforted to know that Eric was with her. I laid on the table, arms outstretched and listening to my baby’s cries as they stitched me up. “Comfort Ye” was playing on the iPod, helping me stay connected to reality. Something huge had just happened. Eric brought the baby around to me again, this time she was all swaddled and wearing a little hat. I touched her cheek and it was so soft it almost felt like nothing. One of the nurses picked up our camera and took our first family photos.

Things are blurry in my memory at this point. I remember feeling really nauseous and the doctor put something in my IV to help. Eric and the baby left the room and the staff tipped my limp body off the operating table and onto a rolling bed. My doctor rolled me down the hall and back to our room. Eric was sitting in a chair next to my bed, holding our baby, tears in his eyes. A team of nurses checked me over for the next half hour and helped me to breast feed for the first time. Finally the nurses all left the room and the three of us were able to have a moment together to try and take it all in. Eric took photos of me and the baby.

The family was getting impatient. Soon everyone was crammed into our room. Everyone marveled at how delicate and pretty she was. Everyone wanted to hold her. We all were amazed by her long fingers. More than one person said she looked like Jordan. I was feeling dazed and drugged but relieved that the scary part was over. I still wasn’t sure that this baby really was mine, and unable to really grasp the fact that I was now a mother. That reality was to sink in later in a way I didn’t expect, but really needed.